For a year that started out looking so promising, 2011 is getting tricky. It's that time again: after riding so long on a high in this walk with God, I'm suddenly sitting in the sand where the coaster used to be, wondering what hit me. True, this started way before Jan 1; but after a deep, awesome-tastic (wink, Rasheed) watch-night service that made me feel like I could scale any mountain; these doldrums are, well, deflating... plus, 2 more deaths and an accident haven't exactly boosted the morale, you see?
Where is God? I know, I know: 'I will never leave you nor forsake you'. Splendid; but not so much when it doesn't feel that way, u know what I mean? Is this part of the relationship, the walk... or did I do something (apart from the usual disobediences here and there, nothing extraordinary oo- I don't mean to be flip about this; just honest). Deep down inside, I sense it's time to seek; but how?
A// How do you pray when you can't find anything of worth to say? Praise and exultation sounds hollow; confession makes you feel like a heathen; I could use my thanksgiving for a basketball the way I sense it bounce off the ceiling.
B// How do you read the Bible when:
1. You feel like there's nothing new (Too known o!)
2. It's mostly words these days. I've taken to an almost exclusive diet of Psalms now; cuz David and his crew know what this stuff feels like; BUT here too, the words touch me, I relate, feel not so quite alone; then I shut the Bible and 10mins later, it's like I never opened it. The glow fades, I even forget what I read- it's not fun, I tell you.
The craziest part of all this is- I can't let go. I've lost my ability to just que-sera-sera myself and wait for God to swoop in and sweep me off my feet again [A huge chunk of the blame for this goes to Nana Yaw Otu-Boateng and his 31st nite sermon >:-(] How can I not care when I KNOW my God loves me so much? How can I get back to just living- as what?? The old N-ya is dead anyway. So u see, I'm in LIMBO right now, cuz there's no turning back; and I CAN'T SEE MY WAY FORWARD. HELP!!! You guys, I need views, I need advice, I need you to tell me your experiences. Please!
Ironically, this is my 100th poem... I get this twisted feeling that God planned this so I wouldn't feel too cool about myself. I mean, I was gonna write something on love or being holy, pat myself on the back and feel like an accomplished Christian poet; but noooooooo; the dry spell had to come now.(P.S. See what I mean? When I finished this poem this afternoon, I felt a surge of hope; but I'm sure you can tell I'm down in the dumps again :-( Life!
WAIT
I’d hoped to wake up in Your arms
In our love’s tender, sweet embrace;
But I’ll take this day as it comes,
Use each moment to seek Your face.
This is no time to doubt Your Word.
I won’t question Your silence now.
I’ll trust what You’ve already said;
Knowing that You can’t break Your vow.
I’ve stopped wondering where You are.
Still miss Your presence by my side;
But I’ll rest in this: You’re not far-
Our hearts are just too closely tied.
You’re silent, but the tension speaks;
Inside, I sense what You don’t say
And though it hurts, this hide-and-seek
Is harder on You anyway:
You mask Yourself in sunlight to caress my cheek
You hide behind a soothing breeze just to ruffle my hair
You disguise Yourself in moonlight and watch me sleep
But whatever form You take, I know You’re always there.
So, hide Your face; but I won’t leave
I’ll still call on You night and day
I’ve quit covering up with fig leaves
I’m stripped before You; unashamed.
Come let’s reason- You said it first
And You’re the One who hates divorce;
So don’t let it go unaddressed
If some action of mine’s the cause.
I’m not quite sure what I must do
To get things back the way they were;
Besides, what if this is all You
Moulding me the way You prefer?
What if this season; this dry spell
Is part of Your sovereign design;
And what I learn; if I learn well
Will make me much more God-inclined?
So I’ll trust, hope, love and obey
I’ll seek You with all of my soul.
I’ll wait for You; so have Your way:
Whatever Your will, You’re in control.
I don’t have answers- just my faith
That I’m Yours; and You hold me dear
So I know You’ll flood in again
We've come too far to conclude here.
Copyright (c) 2011, Nana Yaa A. Gyamfi.
**I just read the poem again and realised I've done lot's of the things I resolved not to do. AAAAAAAARGGGHH! Please pray with me, friends.**
"But even there, if you seek GOD, your God, you'll be able to find Him if you're serious, looking for Him with your whole heart and soul." (Deuteronomy 4:29, The Message)
"Don't bargain with God. Be direct. Ask for what you need. This isn't a cat-and-mouse, hide-and-seek game we're in." (Matthew 7:7-8, The Message)
"It's impossible to please God apart from faith. And why? Because anyone who wants to approach God must believe both that He exists and that He cares enough to respond to those who seek Him." (Hebrews 11:6, The Message)
"Your GOD is present among you, a strong Warrior there to save you. Happy to have you back, He'll calm you with His love and delight you with His songs. 'The accumulated sorrows of your exile will dissipate. I, your God, will get rid of them for you. You've carried those burdens long enough' ". (Zephaniah 3:17-18, The Message)
Amen and Amen. Feel better (again :-)
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