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Sometimes, it's a lonely road

September 26, 2010.


I think maturing as a Christian is much like growing as a person; and discovering the imperfections of the church is kinda like what happens to us during our teenage years when we suddenly realise mummy and daddy aren't really superman- they have flaws. It's tough to deal with all this in a place that's supposed to be a support- a haven from all the crud we already have to face in the world. But oh well, I guess it reminds us not to rely too much on cosy relationships and social belonging. Jesus is the only real perk in this life we have chosen. And I guess we'll never really be mature Christians unless we face, come to terms with; and learn to LOVE Christ's church- beauty and imperfections alike. 

Apart from feeling dissatisfaction within, there may come (or have been a time) when church is/was unbearable because of doctrine. This time, the mess is technical rather than emotional. You may be feeling (or have felt) this way:

DRIFTER
How come everyone’s swaying
And I’m still?
Why is it their voices are praying
But I can’t sense Your will?
What’s wrong with me?
Is there something wrong indeed?
I used to sway and shout my throat sore;
But now, my heart longs for much more.
How come I’m so drained and empty
While Your Spirit moves- ostensibly?
Am I missing it?
Am I stuck on wit?
Is my Spirit dead;
And religion filling my head?

What’s wrong with me, Lord?
I feel so lost.
Show me the way, Lord;
Let me feel Your pulse.
In a room full of people, I’m the only one
Who seems to sense Your being shunned.
What if this is all in my head?
Why am I the only one perturbed?
There’s Your ‘Man of God’
Taking up Your stage;
Who am I to question his message
Of ease and imminent breakthroughs;
Based on my small reading of Your truth?
There’re Christians here; I’m not the best-
So why’s my soul troubled the worst?
I’m far from worthy to perceive
In a room full of souls who truly believe.
Why me; why now; why this; why here?
If I’m so right, why should I fear?
Is everyone else deaf or blind?
How can this be only in my mind?
They pray, they fast, they seek after You;
So why would You hide from them Your truth?

As impetuous and scandalous as this all seems,
I know Your voice from deep within.
This truth is bitter, and weighs me down
Yet I can’t quench or quiet it now.
Though it robs me of yet another comfort zone;
I surrender, I’m Your servant- use me as Your own.

Copyright (c) 2010, Nana Yaa A. Gyamfi

If this is about you, be encouraged: it's a (necessary) phase. Here's the point where ur relationship with Christ deepens- becomes personal, one-on-one; cuz the group theory won't do anymore. Don't give up. I'm praying with you. BIG HUG!!!



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